Archives for the month of: December, 2007

well placed

On top of things that are used, I really like things that are found. I love the mystery of it. I love thinking about who and what and how. I have several ongoing series of photography about lost (or found by me) things. In a way when I look at them, it’s sad, but then I wonder if that’s really true and it isn’t a happy ending that was just waiting for me to see it differently.

Today I found two things. The first was an audio tape. You know — back before mp3s and CDs. A good old fashioned cassette tape. I’m saving it. I think it might be blank, but if it isn’t, I don’t want to rush through it…I want to savour what I’ve found.

The second thing I found today was an old friend. We had gone separate ways a few years ago. It’s a long and twisty story that is fairly plotless for this explanation. The short version is that our friendship ended…and it was the right thing to do for both of us back then. But he’s been showing up in my life lately and I realised just how much I missed having him as a friend. I said a prayer and held my breath and sent him an email to the last address I had for him. After a few emails, we decided to meet up (it’s easier to catch up face-to-face) and it was great. There’s something really precious about seeing a friend after a long absence and feeling at home within their space. Confirming they are happy and that their life is good is just icing on the cake.

Yes, the tape will wait. I’m going to savour this found thing for a few more hours.

I smell delicious. Orange and clove, with a hint of cinnamon leaf….I’d like to eat me. I’d like to tell people to bite me and really mean it. Ha!

Thirty-one big ones today…how cool is that shit? Thirty was great despite what some people may tell you. You really have to be willing to ignore the nay-sayers in life–the ones that want you to be at least a little bit as miserable as they are. Go out into the world tomorrow and start designing your life on your terms! I would be nowhere if I’d have listened to all the people who told me I couldn’t or I shouldn’t because it would be new/scary/dangerous/unorthodox/silly. Not that I’m anywhere now, but I’m in the spot I’ve chosen, not one I let others drag me to.

(Here’s hoping this pompous tendency toward philosophical soapboxing wanes as the years go on…)

I truly think that wisdom is the letting go of all the things that don’t matter that we thought mattered when we were younger and more determined to be right. I’ve really lost most of my will to be right in the past couple years. Being right almost cost me my relationship with my sister, not to mention any number of other ones. I was right and righteous and I wasn’t much fun.

At thirty-one, I still put a pot on the stove and get sidetracked doing something else and let it boil over. This little tidbit brought to you live…

I’m working with mostly women these days and most of them are younger than me — these two things change circumstances dramatically! Today I noticed sort of by accident how much harder it is to be younger. There is so much pressure to do and be things you haven’t even defined for yourself. There’s that female-specific pressure of being likeable…nice…not the bitch. Or if you’re going to be the bitch, be the BIGGEST bitch humanly possible, please. Scare the asspants off people so they won’t mess with you. Behave as though you’re in control and sleep with the assumption no one sees through this dance of bravado, even though they do, not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…

No, my friends, there will be no going back for me. I may not be able to mix my alcohol like I used to, but I solved this by just not really drinking at all anymore. My skin isn’t as smooth or unblemished or elastic, but I have stories to tell and it helps animate them with every crinkle and spot. I’ve known enough love to know its power and know myself well enough that I won’t go there for reasons that don’t really serve the life I want to live. I eat a lot more bran and roughage and a lot less Pepto and dairy. I can go for days, weeks, months without conversing with a friend, but nothing seems to get lost anymore. I have no idea how, it just doesn’t. Our lives become simpler, we become softer, everyday becomes a celebration–a prayer to the wildness that swirls around filling our lungs with the capacity to once more say, “Yes!”