Archives for the month of: December, 2008

it's gone in a flash

Goodbye 2008, with your beautiful blessings, your lovely lessons, your merciful memories, and your hasty healings.

You have shown me all I needed to know and I am so grateful to have been paying attention.

You ushered me in on fragile wings and held me tightly through the things that hurt and scared me so. You gave me sunrises that I thought I dreamt up and fields of thick grass that tickled the small of my back as I watched your gauzy clouds above. I must have walked a million steps–and for each one, thank you. For endless laughs and the ache that only comes from a heart swelling with love, this is what you inspired in me.

This girl I leave behind with you in memory is forever thankful to your wisdom and your patience as she still finds herself prone to leaping forward with her heart in her hand and trusting you to guide her footfall.

I have learned so many scrumptious words, met some very fine souls, kissed a couple frogs, and have stood soulnude beneath the infinity of your starry sky to marvel in my luscious nothingness. I am the minutia of the cosmos, yet I know no one else will ever do what I have come to do, so I place you down before the clock strikes 12. Hold my duality, honour my divinity. This moment is everything and nothing…and it is beautiful either way.

I couldn’t ask you to wait

a light in the dark

Let me just tell you this…

I am constantly trying to catch up to myself. My mind, my heart, my spirit–they race through the days and I can barely manage to fill my lungs up with one extra breath before they are off ahead of me again.

I say I want to know you deeply, that I am insatiable in my curiosity, that I want to leave your mystery alone, as I wish you’d leave mine. Then I turn around and feel your dark places are deceptive, feel an apathy toward your story and wish you would not talk about yourself so much, but rather ask about me.

I want to give you the wide-open space of a country meadow in spring greens and yet crush you with an all-consuming love the colour of pomegranate. I want you to own your experiences, yet stand naked before me and allow me to heal you from head to toe with the wisdom I’ve gained from mine.

I rescind all previous open offers of foreverlove. I do not know you and you do not know me. I believe in Love. I am frail beneath the weight of my want for love at first sight, though it has failed me over and over again.

I wish you could see me beyond all that I feel now and know that this is just a jangled, addled mess of earthen experiment and that all I really am is a pure light flickering in the dark to show you your way.

Sometimes I think we could walk that road together…all the way home.

incoming

those dreams

like gorgeous storms
on my skin

but I have felt none yet

the hurt

It’s just that I know how it feels to be so small,
how the sadness can swallow you, strangle you,
cut off your even knowing why

I know how the heart can lash out,
throwing daggers at the ones who dare to love you in your suffering,
chastising you with their understanding eyes and gentle hearts

It’s just that I know what life feels like when everything
you were living for cowardly suggests
all that you are isn’t nearly enough

And I remember wanting only to prolong a merciful numbness,
resigned to the throbbing ache
that filled nights of loneliness and regret
while hurting the innocent

Because you spend years trying to undo pain you never meant to cause,
the chewed up woundedness of the unwanted

It’s just that I remember how the blade burns, sears, shreds as it tears through your chest
night after night,
when all you can see is their back as they walk away,
how they didn’t even do you the courtesy of watching you fall

And how spectacularly you fell

being left out

Ode to the ego
I shall not want
my importance, inopportune–
the cacophony of such bravado–caustic, brutish
bellows below

Ode to the ego
its endless need for adulation,
congratulation
years ago, a graduation beyond
the jejune, prosaic, wispy
arrogance of nothing of meaning
and everything
of a sad society of superficial substance

and my heart settles on something
that speaks of more mystery…
and longs to be heard…

now and forevermore…

endlessness

do you know
how the words you say speak of your edges and not my gray area

do you know
every time you decide definitely, I watch you shrink just a little more into the mold you’ve cast

do you know
that none of your complicated and messy rules diminish your beauty or worthiness
just that you make it harder for us to honour them

do you know
beyond all the pieces of you that have fallen into the gutter and drowned beneath the rush of rainwater

separate from that which they told you were and weren’t and never could be

apart from the ache of your brokenness
you mattered to me today in a way no one else ever has

looking down on me

a pendulum swings

back

forth

back a gain

to love you is to see you

in your raw form, chewed up

and frothing

knowing you will nourish me

I request a knife and fork

stretch into my heart

raw
the only moment

mad
when you shine

love
above the moon

fall
our together after

in winter

he whispers honey
moaning weakly through bitterness

she recalls beauty
& the essential crush of spring