the hurt

It’s just that I know how it feels to be so small,
how the sadness can swallow you, strangle you,
cut off your even knowing why

I know how the heart can lash out,
throwing daggers at the ones who dare to love you in your suffering,
chastising you with their understanding eyes and gentle hearts

It’s just that I know what life feels like when everything
you were living for cowardly suggests
all that you are isn’t nearly enough

And I remember wanting only to prolong a merciful numbness,
resigned to the throbbing ache
that filled nights of loneliness and regret
while hurting the innocent

Because you spend years trying to undo pain you never meant to cause,
the chewed up woundedness of the unwanted

It’s just that I remember how the blade burns, sears, shreds as it tears through your chest
night after night,
when all you can see is their back as they walk away,
how they didn’t even do you the courtesy of watching you fall

And how spectacularly you fell